In Which She Finds Herself Full of Much Water...

I don’t even know if I can say that I’m good or bad with goodbyes. It seems that in my life I’ve had many, but I also have quite a subjective view on it. I like to believe that I’ve had just the right amount: not too many that I was left completely adrift, and not too few that I didn’t try and appreciate the time that I was given.

And I do; appreciate the time I have been given, that is. I’ve been so blessed to have crossed paths with so many wonderful people in my life and have been even more blessed to have been able to share even a part of our journeys together.

But it’s been different up until now: I’ve always been the one leaving, the one striking out from home on some new obscure fork leading me away (for a time) from those I built a home with and love. I felt only my own sense of bittersweet loss as I continued forward, or as we all left for different paths, using my new location or new daily routine to help me channel my emotions.

Today I’m at a loss for how to proceed. Yesterday I had to say goodbye to my Hokkaido Bestie as she returns home to Canada. As we adamantly refused to say “goodbye” and continued to promise each other about all of the amazing adventures we’re going to have in the future and hugged each other desperately, I also thought about the other friends gathered to wish her well. For once it wasn’t just my sadness (which I assure you is still quite strong) but everyone’s I was beginning to understand. Courtney is such a loving person that people can’t help loving her, and it was oddly comforting to know that all of us loved her and had our lives changed by her friendship. She means something different to each of us, but she is important to all of us.

I think this parting is particularly hard for me because I’m the one staying behind, and now I have to figure out how to re-order my life without her. Who am I supposed to talk to about all of the silly inconsequential things my students do that I find endearing but don’t seem like anything when they’re out of context? Who am I going to just get in a car with to drive two hours to hike a volcano? Who’s going to invite me for kaiten zushi and onsen on a weekday night because we’re both so done with frustrating Japanese work politics and want someone to complain with?

Logically I know that we’re still going to be friends, and technology will definitely help us stay in contact, and I do have other friends here… but it’s just not the same. And I know and appreciate, from my already seemingly vast experience with goodbyes, that this is just the turning of a page in the multi-volume story of our lives, and that things have to and will always change… but I’m still so sad.

I’m grateful for the time that I’ve been given. I really am so very grateful. It’s as if the more sadness I feel about her having to leave, the more happiness and love I feel remembering what a great friend she is and all of the adventures we were able to have. And hope: hope that this isn’t the end to our journey together, just a temporary splitting of paths. Like my lovely friendships back in the US that have shifted to long-distance temporarily, I’m confident we’ll be able to come out of this stronger and climb many more mountains together in the future.

Thailand: