May 2015

(Yes, I'm posting this way after the fact. I was emotionally compromised for a quite a while afterwards.)

After hearing the murmurings in the fall, the engagement in the winter, and all of the planning through the spring: I was finally off to Michigan for my best friend's wedding in mid-May.

It was planned so carefully, Valerie's three week break from Vet school rotations and my hoarded vacation days. I arrived two weeks before the wedding and the roomies were re-united in one house to themselves one last time.

Before I arrived, I was afraid that two weeks before the wedding there would be little left for me to help with. And oh, was I mistaken. Not that I myself was terribly helpful, but there were many of the fine details left to finish. Folding and creating the flowers for the centerpieces, arranging table seating arrangements and completing the escort card boards, finalizing bridal shower and bachelorette party details and their execution... fine details that brought friends together for craft nights and working movie marathons where we knocked out detail after detail to the antics of rogue llama emperors and WWII prisoners of war sabotaging the Germans. It was a whirlwind of lists, hot glue, and everyone's preferred caffeinated drinks.

I was so blessed to be able to see and visit with so many lovely people. I had an entire day with (most of) the Gaang; re-united at long last. The Kathryn and I had bookstore wanderings and cafe chats. Katlin traveled an hour after work just for us to have a few hours meandering campus (all three of those outings also included eating sushi, ironically). Golden Harvest with Val and Allegra, the art fair with Kari and Kathryn, family dinner with Geoff and Mama and Papa G, talking with Ashley and Kari until we were all nodding off, crying with Kari after napping and watching The Help, the Mother's Day with the Rupert ladies (+Alex and Uncle Bob, -Caitlyn) and the afternoon with my mom inevitably taking us to a bookstore and adding more books to our never-ending To-Read lists... And of course, every single moment I got to spend with Valerie.

I've been trying to figure out how to describe everything that I was feeling during that time and what I've felt since the wedding and returning to Japan. It would be easy to say it's some combination of happy/sad, but that's as close to describing it as saying the pond in your backyard can describe the ocean. But that puts in mind Neil Gaiman's The Ocean at the End of the Lane, so let's play this out: In my years on this planet I've become familiar with my pool of emotions. I know what will send ripples and I know the storms that frequent it. I'm getting better at choosing which battles to fight and when to seek a safe harbor to ride it out. What I was not prepared for in this event, was how deep the reverberations traveled. I did an okay job keeping the surface together I think (I only cried when it wouldn't effect the ceremony/flow of events), but I'm still recovering and figuring out the depth of what this is. There's an ocean's worth of water mingling and churning and creating currents I wasn't aware of until now and am at a loss to understand or explain.

I was and am so thankful and filled with joy that I was able to be part of such a momentous time in a dear friend's life. I was and am filled with the love of my friends and family that I was able to seek out time with. I fell so incredibly blessed to be able to stay in contact with everyone while I am over here in Japan, and that I'm thought of at all. For every feeling of love, I also struggle(d) with feeling guilty for being given so much when I deserve so little. I struggle(d) with the guilt of being the one responsible for being absent for so long and planning on being absent for yet another year and a half. I struggle(d) with knowing logically no one blames me for that and accepting it's natural and healthy that all of us are spreading out and trying to make our way in the world. I was/am absolutely bursting with happiness for Valerie marrying Sean, because he's someone I respect and know they'll help make the other's strengths stronger. I was/am desolate at the thought that she's not exclusively mine anymore, and feel adrift. I feel guilty realizing I relied on her to anchor me, and frustrated with myself for possibly burdening her. I'm worried I am burdening my other friends with out realizing it. I'm struggling to accept that because they care for me (God only knows why) they don't mind being supportive. I'm struggling with the friends that are leaving Japan in a few short weeks and the fear of the tidal wave that hit me the night of the wedding coming back for round two. I'm also content being in Japan and don't feel like it is a mistake for me to be here for another year. But it's still a struggle every day to get up and remember that God is the source of my joy and not my circumstances or my ocean of feelings.

(All that being said I still don't feel like it's even touching on everything, but that's enough soul-bearing don't you agree? ...)

The wedding was beautiful. Valerie was beautiful. Sean's smile when he saw her for the first time walking down the aisle was beautiful. I feel as if I never have to get married myself since this wedding and the happiness and love I felt for the couple couldn't possibly be matched. I'm so grateful for my stolen time there, and the week in Maryland after (stirring up too many emotions of its own that I will not be going into). I'm resolved to cherish my time here (I refuse to succumb to to my watery lamentations without a fight) and I'm excited to see Valerie and Sean building their lives together.

Bonus! Pictures

Friend Fun Times: